Mood: Serious
 

I don't have anyone to talk to right now. My best friend, Dapoieee, is sleeping. My friends are playing poker. I can't talk to Banggoy because he's the one bothering me.

So, here I am. Writing my troubles.  I'm just listening to some mellow music on my ipod, the OST of Coffee Prince. It suits my mood. I feel peace... a little. In spite of the Korean lyrics. My heart feels light. It's a good thing.

Now that I'm 25, I can't help but feel (once more) that gnawing feeling of being incomplete, of wanting more, of needing to be out there, of being important... of being loved. I have love, or so I think I have. I have someone. What worries me though.. is how long it's really going to last this time. I've left countless of relationships for various reasons. Or maybe they have one thing in common after all. Or maybe it's the opposite. I'm really confused. It's like being torn between being free and staying grounded. I'm not really sure what it will be... or what I really want. Maybe that's it. I'm just confused. But one thing's for sure. I'm not getting any younger.

I just realized that I'm like this. I write so much. Making things complicated than it really is. Am I really that kind of person? Should I just try to be simple? It's all because of me, is it? Ugh. I wish someone would answer me... I feel so sad.

Is this the quarter life crisis? Is this what growing up is about? I'm not getting what I want, but I'm fine with that. I'm really not complaining. But why am I frustrated? Why do I feel like I'm stuck in a rut? Oh, so many questions. Maybe I need to see a real shrink. I feel so............

Ugh.

I feel so worried about the future. I don't want to be. I'm a carefree spirit. I don't need this crap... this depressing feeling. It's not me.

But more importantly, I'm not sure what to do. I have a good love... but is it a great love? Is this really worth holding on to? We're going to spend our 3rd year anniversary in a month or so... but how come I'm not really happy about it?

Do I want to get married? No. Well, not now at least. But I do want a future... with someone. Is Banggoy the one? I mean, really. I would like to think so but things aren't really looking like the way I pictured "happily ever after" should be... even in reality. And I am being realistic. I'm trying so hard to understand. Telling him things that he ought to be doing for both of us... for a future together. But I guess... I think I shouldn't be, right? But if I don't, will he even give it a wee bit of consideration? That's just terrible. Well, he needs to know and I'm telling him. Yet, the more I dig, the more I feel being shoved aside. No, seriously. It just doesn't seem to work out anymore.

I mean, I do want us to be together. But is it really enough? What about food? Shelter? Clothing? The basic needs... a house? Ugh. I'm really fretting now. I'm scared... not having security.  I'm a girl after all. It's like those koreanovelas. Why are they so lucky? The guys always know what to say, how to make things right, and their love stands the tests of time... Yeah, right. That's just TV. Nothing like that in real life happens. OR DOES IT?

 



I have a life, too. I think I'll just divert my attention to it. YES! That's it! I will live MY LIFE... with or without LOVE. Just me, my life. Am I being selfish? No, I'm being righteous. But is it the right thing to do? At this time? Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!! It's driving me crazy. I'm going crazy!!!

But that's it.I'm not going to cry anymore. I'll just think... I have ME. It's not the end. Heck, it only just began!!! I'm 25... at my prime! I can still do the things I want.

    * I'll learn a foreign language.
    * I'll learn how to cook rice... properly.
    * I'll make my own sushi.
    * I'll even stop buying Havaianas!

I'll be fine. I'll do just fine! I know it. I will LIVE MY LIFE. Go after my dreams... or whatever is left of it. I can't seem to get my thoughts together. I need to be calm... focus... ooommmm... HAHA! Kidding! There! I laughed. I smiled. Ahh that feels good!

I resolve not to be sad. I will not frown so I will not get wrinkles and there won't be a need for Botox. I will be a carefree spirit once more. I will fly... and land on my two feet perfectly like a top gymnast! Yes, that's exactly what I'm going to do. I will not go crazy! I will remember that as long as I won't lose my mind, I will not be broken. I will be strong. My friends will help me. My parents are always there for me. As for Banggoy, maybe time will tell.

But right now... I am MAI... and I am here.

⋆✌㋡⋆ 陳美西